9 Ways to Wipe Your Butt For Free

I haven’t bought toilet paper in 2 years and no I have not just mooched on someone else. Here are 9 ways to wipe your butt for free.

  1. Dumpster dive at pharmacies for perfectly good toilet paper. I’ve often found unopened twelve and twenty-four packs of toilet paper. This can be due to a torn or squished package or because someone stole a roll so the package was incomplete.
  2. Leaves. This is easy if you’re in the woods taking a squat, but you could also grab a bunch of your favorite leaves and bring them home with you. Or even better yet grow a plant that grows soft, wide leaves. You’ll want to compost them using a compost toilet. Check out my compost toilet to learn about this.
  3. Smooth stones. I’ve done this quite a few times while out in the woods and found this to be pretty great!
  4. Go to fast food restaurants and pick up the dozens of unused napkins that people leave on their table. People often take a stack of napkins just to throw half away. (I’m not saying to mooch off the restaurant. I am saying to take napkins that would have gone into the garbage unused.)
  5. Cloth wipes. Make nice little wipes out of old t-shirts and then wash them just as you would washable diapers. Here’s a guide if to want to do it.
  6. Newspaper. Grab it out of the recycling bin or trash can and put it to good use. Don’t flush newspaper or anything else more tough than toilet paper as it can clog the toilet. Compost it. In many countries they have a garbage can for used toilet paper and you could do that as well. It’s no more gross than throwing away used diapers.
  7. Use a bidet. (Ok, I guess this isn’t quite free since you have to pay for the water, but it’s far cheaper than toilet paper).
  8. Use a bum gun. This is a little spray nozzle next to the toilet to spray your butt clean with water. 
  9. Even simpler than installing a bidet or bum gun is to put a little kettle by the toilet and pour water onto your bum area. I had a roommate from India and he taught me how to do this. It was awesome.

25,000 trees are dumped into the landfill each day from our toilet paper usage. It also takes a lot of water and energy to create toilet paper. Then it’s got to be shipped which burns fossil fuels of course. Trees chopped down, water wasted, and fossil fuels burned just to wipe your butt? Toilet paper is a huge environmental nuisance and a complete waste of money. Maybe it’s time you stop wiping your butt with your money?